When I lost my rifle, the Army charged me $85.
That’s why in the Navy, the captain goes down with the ship.
A conference call is the best way for a dozen people to say “bye” 300 times.
Every Scooby-Doo episode would literally be two minutes long if the gang went to the mask store first and asked a few questions.
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. OK, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
One of my friends is pregnant. And I’m really excited. Not for the baby but because she’s one of my skinniest friends.
The closest a person ever comes to perfection is when he fills out a job application form.
